Love can mean many different things. Love is energy that is constantly changing. Love is beauty. Love is ugly but most importantly love is real. Love is what we see it to be. Growing up, it was a crass family. We were never Leave it to Beaver or The Brady Bunch. No one came running if we fell and scrapped our knee. It was more …… like get up and go play somewhere. We loved each other. We protected each other but we never babied each other. We grew up tough, so I raised my kids tough.

In my world, I say what I mean and mean what I say, because of my family. I have been told I have no filter and honestly, I don’t want one.

What upsets me the most is how people who have someone in their life doesn’t see how special that is. Even when I was in a messed-up relationship. I was still looking for the beauty in it.

Growing up all I wanted was to get married and have children and grow old with the man I married, and I had kids but never married. I made the mistake of taking the first person that wanted that with me. He was abusive at times, but that’s a story for another time. I am telling you this because during this time I lost myself. Between the loneliness and the abuse, I lost myself. I was just existing; I was there to take care of my children and love and shelter them.

I think it was about two years ago I woke up for the first time, I met someone, and we will call him Ricky. He was something, he was younger than me and he would make comments that would make me smile and I would think to myself does this fool think I’m falling for this. Well, he wore me down and I did. I fell hook line and sinker. He was so kind and beautiful. He made me feel sexy and beautiful and that’s where the healing started. I never felt that way about myself before. I felt safe around him. I want to climb up him like a tree and stay there knowing he would protect me. I will tell you more about Ricky another time, but he was the start of it all. I loved him. Ricky made me feel like a queen.

Again, Love comes in different ways, our love is lustful and very playful. I thought no one stood above him, but then I met a very difficult man that changed a huge part of me. It amazes me this man was nowhere near my type but my connection with him is like no one else’s. Hès intelligent, mysterious, funny and a great conversationalist. When he held me, I felt love on my end. He made me feel I was worth holding and through that gave me more power to love myself. I am so grateful to both these men for showing me a side of myself that I didn’t know existed.

It’s true I am now alone again, but I’m not bitter I look for the beauty in everyone and everything. Thats a huge part of healing is forgiveness. What’s meant for me will come for me. Never ever settle love is real. This is my favorite love quote by William Parish. I weep every time I read it because its deep and beautiful.

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head, and you listen to your heart. Cause the truth is, there’s no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven’t lived a life at all. But you have to try, cause if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived.”

― William Parish

The moral to this story is don’t shut down, there is beauty and opportunity everywhere. Open your eyes, and if you are going through a heartache right now know nothing stays wrong that long. You never know what’s around that corner.

So, my question to you is What is love to you?

grayscale photography of couple walking on ground
Photo by manu mangalassery on


Billie Kowalewski · July 27, 2023 at 10:25 am

Beautifully written.

Justin Zima · July 27, 2023 at 10:07 pm

So proud of you! Great read. Keep it up

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