Stop the Bullshit!!!! Love Yourself

I think some people have every excuse in the book why they are a certain way or why they can’t change. I used to be that way myself. I have heard just recently “I’m fat because of you” That is complete and utter crap. Don’t blame anyone but yourself. You are responsible for your own happiness and who you are as a person no one else. If you really want to change you can change. I did it and I’m still on that journey to change me. Most of the time it’s a challenge I enjoy. Then there are days I want to pack it up and walk away from it, but then I think about how great I feel. How I can do things I couldn’t do before. I couldn’t fit in a booth at 400 pounds, now at 195 pounds I fit great. I’m starting to see where working out 6 to 7 days a week is helping me move with confidence and grace.

I have my trainer to thank for that. He is an awesome person who cares about his clients and their progress. If they work hard, he works hard for them. The funny thing is when I was 400 pounds, I would never have thought I would have him for a trainer. He is in an amazing shape to look at him is very intimidating. Being a woman, you think someone like that would pick on me. So, the opposite, he is very inspiring. He owns his own gym at 22 years old. I have mentioned Jagur in a previous post the inspiration post.

Let’s talk gyms shall we, I have been a member to many commercial gyms and never seen the results I see now. I swear those gyms want to see fat people fail so they can keep charging them knowing they are not going, and they don’t care they are getting their money. Now that I’m a member at Jagur’s gym (Jagstrong Gym Portland, CT) I see such a difference. I am not a number, and I don’t get lost in a sea of people with opinions. I have met some of the nicest people there. There are nice and mean people everywhere, but I do feel they actually care.

Another thing women need to realize, lifting weights is more important for women than for men. There are so many more health benefits for women. More so for women over 50, like helping with bone loss and menopause weight gain. Women can gain 5 to 15 pounds a year through their menopause years. Lifting weight along with cardio you burn more calories and more often. Evidence has shown that weightlifting burns more fat and can promise long term results as appose to just cardio training.

I never want to hear I’m too old to get in shape or I am to fat or my knees and back hurt. These are all just bullshit excuses. I’m 50 years old and I was 400 pounds, and I couldn’t stand by the sink to wash dishes and now thanks to my trainer and dedication, consistency and intensity I can run a mile and I feel amazing. I went from a size 28 to a size 8. It took 3 and a half years. It’s been an amazing journey, and I am nowhere near done. It doesn’t have to be weight loss. It could be anything. Do what gives you confidence and grace. What makes you whole and happy? What’s stopping you?

woman lifting dumbbells at gym
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man and woman holding battle ropes
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Diets!! I think I have tried them all.

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I remember sucking my stomach in at 10 years old and drinking diet soda. All I have to say is………. DONT DO THAT TO YOUR KIDS!!!!!!! Teach them to love themselves. If they love themselves everything else will follow suit. I have tried every diet growing up and in my adult years. The best was the Mayo Clinic diet. I had tons of cheese and ate huge portions but hey it was ok …. there are no carbs. I did weight watchers, Atkins, military diet, Jenny Craig, calorie counting. The problem was not the diet, but my self-esteem and I was not doing it for me I was doing for my boyfriend and father of my children at the time. I figured maybe he would love me more if I was smaller, if I was prettier. That didn’t matter, because even if I succeeded then it wouldn’t have changed how he treated me. Hindsight right. Well, that’s the purpose of this I’m hoping someone sees the light earlier in life than I did.

In my life, I have learned about supplements and diets and foods and now being very active in the gym I learn a lot about fitness.

The one thing I haven’t tried for dieting yet is DNA testing, that would be my next thing. I want to keep the weight off. I truly believe our body chemistry has a lot to do with how our body loses weight. We fall for all these gimmick diets, and they are always changing. Look at Atkins and Keto they were developed for people with seizers and work well with people with dementia. Gastric Bypass surgery was developed for people with stomach cancer. Regardless, we all lose weight differently. I truly believe if we understand our own genetic makeup, we have a better chance of getting the weight off and keeping it off. I am going to order 23 and me and see what I come up with and share my findings with you. I am also impressed with the app NOOM because it uses psychology. I believe there is a lot to that also.

I think people look at it all wrong and I have lost 200 plus pounds, and I was one of those people. I wanted instant gratification. I didn’t realize I was destroying my body with every fad and Yō Yō diet. Honestly, the gastric sleeve changed my life. I was so far gone, and I didn’t think I would ever find my way out at that time.

Gastric Bypass Surgery

Some people say it an easy fix!!!!! I say bullshit. Even 4 years later it’s still hard. You go through a year of testing. Nail biting hoping your insurance will cover it and the liquid dieting is crazy. Then after the surgery ………… WHAT!!!! the protein shakes and the very small amounts of food and after years and years and years of dieting you don’t know what to eat anymore. CAUSE you can eat anything. When for years don’t eat this and don’t eat that but the biggest difference is you only eat a tablespoon full of food. Even now I want to eat healthy and be fit but I find myself not eating not much at all.

That is why I love the conversation with people when they say this is easy. It’s one of the hardest things I have ever done. As well as the psychological part. You lose weight so fast; you don’t recognize yourself and you become a different person. I believe it was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I built my confidence and I find myself happier most days, but I do have days where I feel lost still. Anyone else experience this?

The Wonderful World of Inspiration!!!

Inspiration can be found in many places. I found it in people, quotes, in family, and articles I have read over the years. I remember about 20 plus years ago I read an article about a nun at the age of 84 competing in triathlons. I remember thinking how amazing and incredible this woman must be and that’s when I started looking at myself and thinking my goodness if she can do it so can I. I remember reading she started her training at 48 years old and have been going ever since. Just recently I watched an episode of the insider, and it was the world’s oldest bodybuilder. A 72-year-old woman and yes, I said woman.


I have also seen some things that were negative to me that made me want to change my weight. I was leaving work one day and I saw a middle-aged woman using a walker. that’s when I took a long hard look at myself and thought I can’t end up like that. That would kill my spirt. There is more to life than that. I actually cried. I cried because I was scared, I cried for her. I am so stubborn I can’t lose my independence it would be the end of me, and I kept getting bigger and bigger. It had to stop.

Everyone at that time was getting the gastric bypass surgery but my insurance did not cover it and then I met someone who help me finance it. She was the first inspiration to my journey, and I will be forever grateful to her. She had the surgery and she wanted to help me. In my eyes, she saved my life.


While all this change was happening, I was working on myself until about 3 years later when I met my personal trainer I have now. He is an amazing young man. Hès 22 and owns his own business. His name is the infamous Jaguar Laymen and his business is Jagstrong gym in Portland, CT. He tries to be a super badass but he’s a softy. He has shown me consistency brings results. I have to tell you, there were times I would get so angry with him, but he pushed me to never give up and I never will. Every time I think I’m going to ……..I think of him, and his words of encouragement and I keep going. #Jagstronggym

I have a very funny story to go with him. One day I was on the treadmill, and he was pushing me. I have a huge pride and ego. My legs had what they called muscle failure and I fell on the treadmill. I was so mad at him. I was so embarrassed. I imagined beating him with a dumbbell. I wasn’t hurt at all only my pride was damaged. That day I learned humility. I also learned not to be afraid of the stupid treadmill. If it wasn’t for him, I would not have done that. At this point I am determined to beat the treadmill. I hate running but I do it because I hate running. I make it a game and a challenge every time I try. I love to lift weights, it’s very good for woman to do this………. lots of health benefits in it. Its excellent for bone health. It’s also great for your metabolism, depression and helps avoid injury as you age because you strengthen your bones as well as your muscles. I will have more on that in later articles. I can go on forever on that.

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
― George Bernard Shaw

What or who inspires you?

What is love to you?

Love can mean many different things. Love is energy that is constantly changing. Love is beauty. Love is ugly but most importantly love is real. Love is what we see it to be. Growing up, it was a crass family. We were never Leave it to Beaver or The Brady Bunch. No one came running if we fell and scrapped our knee. It was more …… like get up and go play somewhere. We loved each other. We protected each other but we never babied each other. We grew up tough, so I raised my kids tough.

In my world, I say what I mean and mean what I say, because of my family. I have been told I have no filter and honestly, I don’t want one.

What upsets me the most is how people who have someone in their life doesn’t see how special that is. Even when I was in a messed-up relationship. I was still looking for the beauty in it.

Growing up all I wanted was to get married and have children and grow old with the man I married, and I had kids but never married. I made the mistake of taking the first person that wanted that with me. He was abusive at times, but that’s a story for another time. I am telling you this because during this time I lost myself. Between the loneliness and the abuse, I lost myself. I was just existing; I was there to take care of my children and love and shelter them.

I think it was about two years ago I woke up for the first time, I met someone, and we will call him Ricky. He was something, he was younger than me and he would make comments that would make me smile and I would think to myself does this fool think I’m falling for this. Well, he wore me down and I did. I fell hook line and sinker. He was so kind and beautiful. He made me feel sexy and beautiful and that’s where the healing started. I never felt that way about myself before. I felt safe around him. I want to climb up him like a tree and stay there knowing he would protect me. I will tell you more about Ricky another time, but he was the start of it all. I loved him. Ricky made me feel like a queen.

Again, Love comes in different ways, our love is lustful and very playful. I thought no one stood above him, but then I met a very difficult man that changed a huge part of me. It amazes me this man was nowhere near my type but my connection with him is like no one else’s. Hès intelligent, mysterious, funny and a great conversationalist. When he held me, I felt love on my end. He made me feel I was worth holding and through that gave me more power to love myself. I am so grateful to both these men for showing me a side of myself that I didn’t know existed.

It’s true I am now alone again, but I’m not bitter I look for the beauty in everyone and everything. Thats a huge part of healing is forgiveness. What’s meant for me will come for me. Never ever settle love is real. This is my favorite love quote by William Parish. I weep every time I read it because its deep and beautiful.

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head, and you listen to your heart. Cause the truth is, there’s no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven’t lived a life at all. But you have to try, cause if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived.”

― William Parish

The moral to this story is don’t shut down, there is beauty and opportunity everywhere. Open your eyes, and if you are going through a heartache right now know nothing stays wrong that long. You never know what’s around that corner.

So, my question to you is What is love to you?

grayscale photography of couple walking on ground
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